Unspoken Guilt...!

By Tejashri Mohan Bhore

Index  

CHAPTER ONE CHAPTER TWO CHAPTER THREE CHAPTER FOUR  CHAPTER FIVE CHAPTER SIX CHAPTER SEVEN   

 CHAPTER ONE  

12th Jun, Today college allotment list was going to be  publish. I was staring at the wall clock, checking time  incessantly.Shows 9.00 PM. It’s tick-tick sound was making  me more anxious. Crossing my fingers, I was refreshing the  website with my shivering hand. But due to massive  traffic…I was unable to view the selection list. Breaking  silence my Papa said… “Give that computer a little break..  It will show up after a while”. “Ky mahit kiti diwa lavla  ahe!” said my Mom glowering at me.  

You know the love between the academics and Indian  parents is already renowned…Right! Indian parents are  obsessed with good grades. Parents believe that their child  is bright only if he/she is good in academics. They are 

superfluously concerned with appearing respectable in  society over their child’s happiness.  

I was scared as hell. Because, if I didn’t get college this time.  I had to study same things one more year with of course  different approach. And I don’t want to experience the same  trauma. Ask about the struggle we aspirants go through. These all entrance exams are like Black hole. You just  revolve around it. It’s like matrix, you have to escape it  anyhow.  

Finally..the wait was over. The notification pop up. Exactly  at 9.15 PM, I got the college allotment letter. I read it aloud,  “We are glad to hear you that Miss. Aashna Arun Salvehas  been allot with the college named SVRP Medical College,  

Nagpur. Please do come for admission due before 16 of  

th 

June 2024 with related verified documents. 

Thank you!”

Hearing this Mumma and Papa were so happy. They  literally had wide smile. I didn’t like the college much. But  yeah seeing their happy faces I was happy. They mean to  me everything. They have supported me a lot. In fact  sometimes I think they deserve a better daughter. But I’m  trying to be better for them only. Mom fed me 'pedha’a  sweet made up of milk. She made my favourite dinner Gulab Jamun, Chole, Bhature with Veg Pulao. Everyone  was happy. We ate dinner all together. On dining everyone  were chitchating about my college and the admission  process. Mom was forcing me to take more sabji and I was  denying. Papa interrupted us in between, he said,  “Tomorrow have a research on everything about the college  and admission details, and get information about hostel and  mess also. Now these phase of admission is so important,  you can’t miss anything….If you miss any single document  na, you’ll miss almost a year.” I nodded. After dinner I 

helped Mumma in kitchen for a while. Then wish everyone Good Night and went to my room. There I was alone..I  don’t have to pretend anything here. Because, I was dead  inside. I am living just for my sweet family.  

Deep inside I just wanted to share with him that I got a  college. But I can’t. This made me sad. With heavy heart I  opened my diary and began to write. Whenever I feel sad..  I just bleed on the paper. Personally, feels like Therapy.  

12/06/2024 

11.30 PM 

Sometimes...I feel like hugging Cactus 

I know I’ll bleed.. but atleast, it won’t leave me. Sometimes… I feel like hiding somewhere

I know I’ll be alone… but atleast, eyes won’t be on  me. 

Sometimes… I feel like ending everything I know I’ll be in pain… but atleast, I won’t be in  hope of being understood! 

 CHAPTER TWO  

It was 15th of June, next morning we were about to leave  for my admission process. I got only three days to gather  every single document that needed. Also in this haste I  made a blunder, my one document got missing.  I could have miss my seat in the college just because of  this document. Papa scolded me badly.  

He yelled, “That’s why I always keep saying right…keep  your documents properly... Careless fellows. You both  Mother and daughter just tries to prove me wrong.” 

Mumma interrupted him saying,  

“Now scolding won’t  

help out things to be better… Move your hands, help us!” Mumma said looking at me, “Ignore him for a while, Just  think where did you left it? “

Everyone in the house was in search of document here  and there. She search everything, on the tables, under the  sofas and beds, I was searching in my bedroom.  Mumma called out me, “Is this the same document?” “Yes…Yes..This is it!” I exclaimed 

Mother are saviour for real.  

Papa sighed, “Now keep everything properly, organize  every single document in order, take extra passports and I  don’t want to hear any blunder again… got it?” I nodded….Yeah!  

After this..I went to bed early. Because I have to wake up  early and have to visit the college on due time.  Next morning, we left for a college. Wait.. Wait… before  heading anywhere little bit of quarrels and arguments are  necessary... Right. 

After four hours of travelling., we reached there. I  submitted the documents, filled every detail they asked and  then explored the college building. College was good..I  mean I was expecting much better than this. But yeah..its  okay, not every expectation can be fulfilled. I’ve started  less expecting and more accepting. Life will be more  simple.  

New journey starts from here, I guess so. Hoping to be  better. I had so much dreams about college life before. But  now I don’t feel any kind of enthusiasm. Everything was  going good now, but deep inside I wasn’t happy. I feel  something like a void inside. A gentle breeze of air  touched my cheeks and I peeped into the past. The days  when I met 'him'. 

Papa said, “You like this place na… you’ve to live here for  almost 5 years. From here onwards you are going to be a  resposible doctor!” 

His motivation always makes me feel good.  

Mumma said dramatically, “In my opinion you should stay  here from today onwards only!” 

We all chucked!  

Papa said, “Well.. well… We should leave now.” At 8.00 PM, we reached home. The day was so hectic.We  all were tired. So we ordered food from outside. We had  dinner and then everyone went to sleep. I came to my  room, opened my diary and began to write my thoughts.

16/06/2024 

10.25 PM 

I miss the before me,  

I can’t say I was happier.... 

But I wasn’t the saddest one though 

Right now, I’m the confused one.  

Something’s are better, while some are worst Everything is the game of Trust. 

I don’t know when I’m gonna learn balancing..  Questions are never gonna stop.  

Living for my close ones.  

Living for the better life! 

 CHAPTER THREE    

It’s been four months, that I enter into this college. Got  new friends in the hostel. I was asleep in my hostel room.  Sound of claps and Birthday song wakes me up. I opened  my eyes..and what I see. Three girls were standing besides me. I glance at clock…It was 12.00 Am. Beautiful small  luminating, fairy lights attracted my vision towards them.  Room was looking so beautiful with décor, giving aesthetic  vibes. I remembered today is my Birthday! Tisha, was my  roommate, sweet and straight forward girl. She has pretty  curly hairs with cute face. She was in middle holding a  beautiful white forest cake with candle in shape of  numbers denoting ‘21’. Gunjan and Dia, both living in  same room beside ours. Both were around Tisha.. They 

were clapping and singing,  

“Happy Birthday to you… . 

Happy Birthday to you… Happy Birthday Aashna…  Happy Birthday to you!” 

I said, “Thank you my girls!” 

The trio hugged me and wish me Happy Birthday again.  I said, “ Thank you very much yrr… I’m so lucky that I  got you guys. The only good thing about this year are you  all. Thank you for making my day special. I’m so greatful.” Dia uttered, “Hmm… hmm… stop, stop.. If you’re willing  to give speech. Tomorrow we will arrange one in  auditorium hall!  

We all laughed; 

Tisha said,  

“Let’s cut it..Before that icing on cake would  

melt... That aroma is attracting me towards it.. I just can’t  control now.  

Gunjan light up the candle and told me to close my eyes  and make a wish before blowing it out. I closed my eyes 

and mumbled in my head, “Celebrating my birthday  today! Sending a special shout out to myself for all that  I’ve accomplished this year, my inner battles that I didn’t  tell about anyone and wishing myself a happy birthday full  of magic, joy, and love” 

Then I cut the cake, they gave me gift and then we did  little fun, by dancing and playing games. All went to sleep  by 2.00 PM.  

As usual, I opened my diary and starts writing..  

17/10/2024 

2.00 PM 

मैंआज्कुछ कहना चाहती हु, पर्मेरी शततहैंककिं सुननेवालेकान तुम्हारेहो ।

याद्करती हुतुम्हेंकदन्रात…्हर्पल्यही सोचते हुए गुजर जाता हैंककिं कही तम 

ु्इतनेदुर्ना चले 

जाओ की मेरा कदन्किना तुम्हारी याद्कटे…. घमूना चाहती हुइन्हवाओ मेंअपना सि्कुछ छोड़ कर्…साथ चाहती हुककिं साथ िस्तुम्हारा हो । अच्छा लगता हैंमुझेजि्ककसी िात पर्सेतुम्याद् आतेहो… काश तुम्साथ भी होते। 

दुकनया केहती हैंककिं प्यार एक्छलावा ह,ैंपर्मेरेकलए तुम्हारी याद्मेंडूि जाना ही प्यार हैं। 

मन्करता हैंकिं धेपर्सर्रख केंसुकून ककिं एक् झपकक लु… लेककन सुकून तों ति्कमलेगा जि्किं धे तुम्हारेहो ।

 CHAPTER FOUR 

Hello there..This side Aashna, I’m 21 years old  Maharashtrian girl living in ‘Black Gold  City'…Chandrapur. City of black coal and mining.  Like my name I am too devoted to love. But at the  same time I like things platonic.Everyone thinks I’m  boring. Little do they know what does platonic  means or maybe just they don’t wanna know, things  like this do exist. Sounds contradict.. Right?  Sometimes I feel I don’t fit in my own generation.  This so called Gen-Z’s doesn’t know what is real  love. 

What is love?.... Maybe thinking about you even  after having no contact for months.. I don’t know!  Even I don’t know it’s you or just my loneliness.  Feels like I’m missing you. I’m unaware of my  thoughts.. my emotions as usual. Our memories are  flowing down through my eyes being tears.  Sometimes I wonder who was on the fault.. Me or  him? Or just situation made us wrong?  

So…It was month of March, last preparatory phase  of exam... I wasn’t doing good. I was broken  already. I had limited friends and they were busy in  their own life. So, I was feeling lonely. Just few days  before I had taken some online counseling regarding  mental health problems.. since it was free. I felt  better but for few days only. I tried to avoid my 

loneliness but failed. I was going through alot then.  I found it hard to cope up with loneliness. One evening I was walking in the garden to freshen  up my mood. One guy with his pet dog enter into the  garden. I already have fear of dogs. Out of blue the  dog came near me and jumped over me. Scared me,  I fell on the ground. The owner of the pet dog came  running over held his chain and said me 'Sorry'. I  said, “You guys if you can’t handle your pets then  why do you take them to public places” An unknown hand came in front of me, a tall, fair  handsome guy in black hoodie giving me his hand.  He said, “Get up, miss.” I got up helding his hand. I  was unable to walk properly. I sat on one of the  nearest bench seeking his support. He gave me water  to drink. 

He asked me, “Are you okay?” 

I said, “Yeah... But my left leg is hurting.” He said, “Let’s go... I’ll take you to the hospital.” I utter, “No... No.. It’s okay.. I’ll manage. Thank you  for your concern. By the way, what is your name?” He replied, “I’m Aarush Mahajan, works in IT  company as Data Scientist. What about you?  I said, “Nice to meet you Aarush... I’m Aashna Salve, aspiring doctor. 

I told him about my exam. After a short talk.. I felt him genuine, he is okay for the talk... not like other  creepy guys. He told me he has guided many  students. I found him good. I shared my frustration  about category reservation things and all. Then after  some Chitchating he asked for my number, we 

exchange our numbers. We talked like this for few  days.  

Untill this everything was good. I was feeling good,  and then suddenly... 

One day...I got his message, “Are you free today  evening?” “Yeah” I replied. He said, “Meet me at 5 in the evening at 'Cafe Nine'.  

Actually I was very happy reading his message.  From last few days a lot of things has been changed.  He made me so comfortable. Everything was going  great. He was like my best friend now. But in my  mind I started liking him. I never shared about this  because I don’t wanted to ruin our friendship. So I  thought it as a date. I dres up good occasionally, and  as today was special, I wored beautiful off white one 

piece with baby pink shade on it with minimal  makeup. I must say I was looking pretty.  I reached there half hour late, because I had three  hour mock test before this. He was there sitting  alone waiting for me, from last thirty minutes. He  was looking so handsome in formal white shirt. I  went near him. 

“Hello... Miss! Actually my heart stopped when you  walked in. Oh damn..Look at you looking so  gorgeous!” “Thank you Aarush”, I said while  blushing. He told me to have a sit. 

He countined.. “Your hands looks heavy, can I hold  it for you?” I nodded in the agreement. 

At this moment I was literally on cloud nine.  Imagine your crush invites you on a date all by 

himself and also flirting with you… What a great  feeling!  

He was holding my hands and continues saying, “I  enjoy being alone with myself, actually it's the best  company there is. But it's still nice to talk to  someone, once in a while....Aashna, I think I’m  falling for you, I think I’m in love with you!” 

I told him, “Wait..wait..slow down... love can’t  happen this much quick..I mean it’s okay to like  someone, in fact I like you, but I think love can’t  happen this much easily.” 

He continued, “Also you know the feeling of having  someone, sharing our thoughts is the greatest of  all.” 

I have schizoid personality from start... Thus, I can’t  express things like others. So I felt people may fall 

in love like this. After meeting him, I never felt  lonely. He filled that void. I said him ‘Yes’. 

 CHAPTER FIVE 

I was very happy. Finally I’ve someone to talk. And  that’s all I want. I don’t like Intimacy...as I’ve fear  of it. But then after just two days, I got a call from  him...he told me he can’t continue this. I was  devasted. My happiness went off once again. I asked  him.. If there is something misunderstanding. He  said, “No....I should have told you already!” 

I was disappointed..but still I tried to understand  him.  

He said, “Two years back I was working in one of  the online educational platform. I just started  working their..so in initial phase I had to sell online  class package to students. One of my student’s sister  used to text me for queries related classes. We 

started talking frequently. I fall in love with  her..beforeI proposed her, I didn’t even saw her. We  met after she said ‘Yes'...and she was drop dead  Gorgeous.” 

This moment I was broke into the pieces...I was  crying silently on the other side of call. I don’t know  why..I was feeling this. I thought I just liked him.  But...No!  

He asked me... “Are you listening?” 

“Yeah.. You carry on, I’m listening you” I replied.  He continued... “We were in relationship for two  years, then suddenly she told me she wants to marry  as soon as possible. Just because someone in her  college was bullying her. But I said her to think  about this all over again. There is nothing to hurry.  We’re too young. She was just 20 and I was 24. But 

she said it’s final and she’s ready for the marriage. My mother knew about us, so my side of the family  accepted us. But her family doesn’t. She said they  won’t understand us.. So we will do court marriage  only. After a month, we filed for court marriage. Day  before the marriage, I again asked her that...Is she  really ready for the marriage without her parents. She was firm on her decision. The day arrived.. It  was 6 Jun 2022, Finally we got married. Everything  was fine. As soon as she left office...she called her  parents and told them about the marriage. They took  her with them straight from the office... She didn’t  even entered my house. I married a girl I loved. But  circumstances took us apart. From that day I never  saw her. Now...they are going to file a divorce.”

He was so emotional that he cried in front of me. He  was in real pain that time. So I just forgot about my  emotions. I consoled him. I was on call with him all  day... He was talking about himself only.  

After ending call, I was with my thoughts alone. I  don’t know whom to blame.. Who’s fault is this..  Mine? His? Or his ex girlfriend’s.. Oh sorry wife’s?  I was talking to married guy whole time. Why didn’t  he tell me before? I’ve so much questions in my head  right now. But seeing his condition I can’t question  him. He told me that his mother is single parent since  his father’s death when he was 5 years old. Also his  mother have some disease... He didn’t tell me the  name of disease but doctor told them that she will  hardly live for one year. Divorce file and his  mother’s health made him so depressed that he is 

unable to focus on his job. He is facing difficulties  in his work. After knowing everything how could I  question him… I can’t!  

I just realized I’m the third person here. It’s better to  make distance from him, rather I should focus on my  exam.  

Thus, I started avoiding him. I was just replying him  if he ever contact me.I made a decision that I am  better alone.  

One day, I heard knock on my door. As soon I  opened it, I saw him. I was surprise to see him. He  asked me confusingly, “Why were you ignoring me  all these days?” 

I said, “I didn’t ignore you, I just don’t wanted to  disturb you. Also you ended thing between us, not  me. After knowing everything why would I continue 

relation with a married guy? Knowing that you love  someone else, why would I talk to you? You guys are  so pathetic, instead of saying me sorry, you’re  questiong me!” 

I could see disappointment on his face. He left  without saying anything. 

 CHAPTER SIX 

Things should have end here. But my overthinking  skills doesn’t let me live peacefully. My exam has  been over by then. Thus, I was at home. I was feeling  guilty, that I talked so rudely with him. I wanted to  say him sorry. So I messaged him “Sorry….I should  not have talk to you rudely. That time I was not in  my mind. How are you…Are you alright?” 

He replied after few minutes, “Keep your sorry to  yourself… Don’t message me again. No need to care  about me. I’m leaving!” 

I said, “What happened and where are you going?” He replied… “Leaving this world, leaving everyone  behind. I’m fed up of everything. I just can’t face  anything now.”

I said… “Please.. Please don’t do this. I love you.  Think about me… atleast think about your mother.” He replied, “No.. Please don’t distract me. I’m just  waiting for my mom to leave room… as soon as she  left this place… I’ll be free.. Bye!  

Reding his message… my eyes were wide open. I  didn’t get what to do. I guess I was too young to  handle this situation.. I don’t know. His words got  stuck in my mind. I tried to console hum. I google  that how to handle this kind of situation… even I I  tried to call suicide help line number. But they didn’t  receive. I called him more than 50 times. But he too  didn’t receive. I did everything I can do. 

I cried. I cried so hard. I can’t do anything. I felt  helpless that day. How could he do this?  I messaged him again.. But this time I got no reply.

I was literally on the ground, struggling to breathe,  it was strong feeling of dread, I was feeling that I’m  just about to die, feeling of losing control over  myself and fear of getting mad, felt dizzy and chills  particularly in the arms and hands.  

Next day, when I opened my eyes. I was lying on the  bed. I saw my mom sitting near me. 

I asked her, “What happened and how am I here?” She said, “Yesterday night, when me and your father  both returned from the market, we saw you were  lying on the ground and blood were oozing out from  your forehead, as you might have hit your head on  the glass table.Doctor said that you had panic  attack.”

She continued.. “What happened Aashna..Is  everything alright?” 

“Yeah mom.. Everything is fine”, I said.  I checked my phone and it was still no reply. I ran  towards that day’s newspaper..checked every page.  My eyes stucked on one of the news headlinesaying,  “25 YEAR OLD MAN HANG HIMSELF TO  DEATH” Tears were rolling down my eyes.  I controlled my tears, as my mom was in the same  room. Until she left, I didn’t utter a word. I was in  the distress. I cried so hard. I was blaming myself. I  was so helpless. Knowing everything, I couldn’tdo  anything. His words remained stuck in my head.  Maybe I couldn’t forgive myself forever.   

CHAPTER SEVEN 

PRESENT DAY 

I couldn’t express my love with him. I still regret that I never  expresses enough. Recalling that day, still I get chills. I  started writing poetry with his memories. I wish he would  be with me. I wish he could be alive. Rest in Peace Aarush.  The moment I heard love story, I started looking for you.  

“When you cry for ending 

Remember how beautiful were the beginning! “ 

Poetry in his memory…  

Feeling numb, broke, like everything has been  shattered.. Heart is burning due to life being  battered.  

Hopes and dreams are resting inside coffin, while  darkness is at it’s peak and evils rising very often.  Tenderness in loyals haven’t remain alive, coz  they’re blamed and it’s hard to survive.  The worst part is liers will win this race probably  and sinners are sining differently! 

How could you be so fine leaving me bleeding  behind..  

I’m here with frozen ice thinking about you!  I’m here in crowd of thousand people still thinking  about you… Hey my love.. My home 

I want you to shine.. doesn’t matter you’re not  mine; Maybe another Time! 

By Tejashri Mohan Bhore