By Rajreet Kashyap
It was a fine Sunday evening that I finally
realised what exactly had I been looking at
for the past 2 years.
I’d had these visions, for a stare of certain
something that felt like it was devouring
me, taking its pleasant time as it wanted.
It tended to follow me wherever I went,
wherever I looked, it never ceased to get
the slightest out of my visual range.
At some times, it would stare point back at
me. Sending in cold shivers down my spine
so much that it made me forget how to
breathe.
It had no face, but it stared back, without
any eyes. It had no mouth but the extent of
words it spoke in my mind was beyond
something that could simply be shrugged
off as “frightening “.
At first, I tried the fruitful best to ignore
them. But that too seemed impossible, for
it was marching closer, closer, it kept
getting closer. But it had no definite
appearance. I could not figure out its
features to give it any sort of judgment.
But I kept turning an ignorant shoulder to
it, for I was too invested in things that
weren’t of much importance, but at least
they assisted me quite the lot in ignoring
that certain something, that reduced its
distance every once in a while sand
random- no. No I slowly realised it wasn’t
as random as I had thought.
It crept closer, whenever, I recalled my
actions, my life, with “guilt” lurking
somewhere within that thought.
I am a criminal, I am someone who had
committed severe sins, sins that seem no
more than un-atone able in my sight. I
have stood against society, I had stood
against those that had brought me to this
world. And worst of all, I had betrayed
myself.
That, was the biggest sin of all, believe me
or hell if u don’t.
I remember, I had been quite the ignorant
self to my own sins, as well. But it was no
so- until that appeared. Whenever in the
sight of it, the memories crawl into my
mind, rather into my brain, inflicting
physical torment upon my whole head.
Slowly eating away any pleasant sensation
that lived all these years, and leaving
nothing but remorse, remorse, guilt, anger,
and regret. Regret for what I never
understood- for it had never been the
central point of concern- it pained me that
much.
I had, unlike the usual 24 hr, had quite the
appealing day yesterday. Until I crept on
my bed.
Before I even dozed off to the nights sleep,
I saw it. Closer, than it had been the day
before. And so as usual, but rather more
physically alarming than usual, it inflicted
pain and suffering.
I wished i had died that night, but I woke
up to the torment once again in the
morning. Now it wasn’t anything sort of
what should have surprised me, but, quite
ironically, it succeeded in doing so.
Right when I had thought I was used to it ,
it grew stronger, stronger than it had ever
been. No-not only in its strength- but its
presence. Now I could feel it without
seeing it, feel it eat away in my entire
physical body, dwell its teeth deep into my
heart, showing no mercy as it chew it
away, took of with the flesh, and left me
unattainable to any thought, as I lied there,
alive, or deceased, unaware of anything
but that.
I was getting alarmed in one sense
however, that it was near its end. I don’t
know how I stumbled upon such
nonsensical sense(considering the state I
was at, then), but it somehow felt pleasant,
have known the fact that it was to stop-
and that’d be the end of it.
But in those emotions too- lied something
unpleasant. I had this urge. This urge to
start life anew. I couldn’t wait to do so, so I
ignored all that I had in my bucket of tasks
for that day-
I ran everywhere, into every shop, fetching
any item that fascinated me. I added to my
inventory items ranging from mere briny
screws, nails to antique expensive clocks
that were immense in size(I took hold of
them in a local auction that had been going
on since the last week or so
Yes, I was financially secured enough for
such activities, well, the ones that lasted
only a one time period, for that particular
day drained me off almost all my wealth. I
even sold my furniture unknowingly, or it
would be incorrect in saying so, you
suppose, for I was well aware. Well aware
of what i was doing, yet I did not finch a
single second.
I kept on with it- shamelessly to be
precise with defining my foolish actions, if
I may.
The sun settled in, hiding behind the hazy,
quite blurry, clouds that danced their way
out with the sweet red sun as their
acquaintance. The sky turned pale green-
then transitioned to orange. I quite liked
the sight, so I settled in the field where I
had ended up after the hectic day.
The stars began settling in, for the night. It
was clear today- perhaps clearer than it
had ever been.
Right then, I felt its presence, but unlike
my previous interactions with “that”- this
one wasn’t all so unwanted, or uncalled for.
I admired, for an instant, its slow
indulgence into the present moment.
What stood more and worth taking note of
was-
That it was no more closer to me- for it
dwell within me now. I was it, it was me.
And it was then that I came to the, rather
horrible realisation, that the certain
something was nothing but the mere slow
marching of my own death- my own time
of burial. It lured towards me, and finally
took firm grasp of me as it swallowed my
being as a whole.
No, it hadn’t just been something that was
straight of the blue- it had always been
there, right within the corner of my mere
eye. But I was too ignorant— too ignorant
of the sins I had committed, too ignorant
of the gruesome consequences that my
actions carried, too ignorant of what I saw
and too ignorant of what I did.
It had always been there, let it be as a sign
or as mere death- so as it was now. I did
not feel any remorse or guilt, then. For I
had accepted it, but I did feel embarrassed
at myself, shameful, how i had always been
until death took me within her firm hands.
“I lay here now- in the soft grass as I
notice one or two meteors pierce through
the stars every now and then, the stars
rather, stand out more tonight, resembling
tiny shiny pebbles.
Somehow, I don’t feel much regret. Nor do
I have the thought of embarrassment when
I recall the framework of how my life had
been- because I am a man at the end. And
all men are foolish, irrespective of how one
might view oneself as. It is embodied in
our nature- to grieve, feel saddened as a
result of our own actions, after we have
committed them. They carry a sense of
humour as I think of them.”
Right then- my heart starts to ache. I
rather say, a pleasant ache- the kind of
ache that you simply cannot reject. The
kind of ache that slowly eats me away- as I
close my eyelids- feeling the collision
amongst each other- it feels calm, as
though you’re lying on a cloud- a rather
puffy one. But it’s not up in the sky,
instead, it’s beneath the water. And you
are simply submersing in it.
It takes you in- takes you whole, accepts
you in a way no had ever done, as you
dwell into the darkness— the type of
darkness that isn’t, really, dark. The form
of darkness that does not, at all, resemble
loneliness
By Rajreet Kashyap
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