By Rajreet Kashyap
In the current state of the world, if we look
about the characteristics of relationships,
issues concerning commitment are no rare
thing. That is why perhaps is the case I
tend to drift away from love and
relationships, I tend to run away! I don’t
want anything like that!! But I do at the
same time, it’s confusing, but a part of me
accepts it, it drags me into its arms and
makes me rest. It lets me breathe and have
some space for myself outside the land of
worries. I feel accepted, but I should not! I
should not succumb to such desires, but I
get done with it unintentionally.
Messing up .. Sometimes it’s intentional,
most of the time it’s not. I don’t hate the
concept of love, in fact I sometimes want
for it too! But I can’t commit to it. I just
can’t(and I for a certain fact am ashamed
of it, have been always) but as I’m writing
or typing to be precise, I don’t feel much
remorse, I mean why should I? I don’t
know. It is this that it doesn’t feel right,
what must I do? I know! Fix myself? But fix
what? What does one fix when he does not
know the cause of the issue, what is the
issue, is there any? What do you think.
I will learn to love. Learn to commit. But
almost as certain as the sun rising, the
other individual would not. I mean, how will
they if they haven’t also became self
aware, well, then I shoal end up as the
experiment, in the best case scenario that
is.
And what about the worst? Well, I become
one of the experiments, and lose my value
(that which never existed) and it is quite
the excruciating thing, is it not. What
exactly? That we beings chase after love,
with perceptions different than every other
human, and when we come across a
significant other, an internal conflict arises.
A conflict of different perception of love,
resulting in The win of none but loss of
everyone.
I want to be loved, I did get loved in fact!
But I let that slip away, no, I myself threw it
away. I did not like it, it did not appear to
be to my liking (and I am ashamed). I don’t
know if it will happen again, if I will ever
encounter such care again, but even if I
do, will I ever notice it? No, the real
question is, will I ever, in this life, be aware
of it? What if I’m not? What if I continue to
lie here dead of love starving of care and
warmth but at the same time grieving
every second of the fact that I have once
let it slip no threw it away and it may not
ever come back
While at the same time rejecting
scrumptious food served in silver platter.
What must I do, I do not know, I will never
know. Maybe, I will continue my ashamed
activities. Until I come across what I must.
I shall become the and make others the
experiment. The subject. The project of
discovering love.
This project is not appealing, it is not so to
me. Because it hurts and takes away
fragments of personality and charisma, it
devours one from the inside until there’s
nothing left of him. What does, then
becomes of him when he “is” in love, is he
who he was? Or has he resorted to being
someone who he MUST be, to feel warmth
of love?
There is no kiss of death. A kiss of death is
love itself. There is no such thing as toxic
love. Love is toxic and toxicity is love.
Well then, you may ask, what about the all
cheesy ones? Well, they are subjects of
their own or others experiments too. I wish
to belief they are who they are supposed
to be...? No, they are not. Here’s the
beautiful takeway, nobody is! Nobody is
who they are supposed to be.
Do you know who you are supposed to be?
Le me describe: no sense of awareness
can not walk cannot eat solid food shits in
his own clothings and garments. Yes,
precisely, a child. An infant, why?
Because they are who they are supposed
to be as a person.
Solely because they are free of the
influence of the environment, solely
because they do think twice before doing
anything that may affect their standards,
solely because, they exist. They exist the
way one should. You are not you. You are
just a product of your environment,
nothing more. So is what happens in love.
It tears you from inside, until there is
nothing left of you,
Then, is only when you are worthy of being
loved.
An empty vessel.... Stored with things that
don’t belong there (empty in its own
way)...
Is so beautiful ,appealing,
Loveable.
By Rajreet Kashyap
Painfully truthful