By V. M. Amudha Yazhini
“Did you ever have a crush? Mom” my daughter asked eagerly tilting her face as she had just told me about a boy she liked. I smile at her question. “I did”
Long back when my first semester in college started, I was anxious about meeting new people. Because our department was under construction, we had to attend online classes, before we had the real deal. That was when I first saw him, in my online classes. No one really showed themselves on video including me for several reasons, but he did. I wasn’t attracted or anything, but I admired his bravery to show his face when none of us really did. Maybe that was the starting point.
I had to go to my hostel before my first day. I had a few friends because of my roommate who introduced people she talked to during the online classes and we all were mutual friends. It was a temporary gang that worked because it was all of our first time in college. My first day wasn’t exactly great and the only thing I was looking forward was to go home. During the introductions, I saw him again, ’the brave guy’ I whispered to myself. He was from the same town as me and I was intrigued. I wanted to ask him where he lived but that would have been creepy and I was too shy to even speak to him.
During the following days, we had to do a lot of ‘about yourself’ sessions to the professors. My friends would always point out how we were from the same town not to mention that we can go home together during holidays as he was also a hostel student. I refused and acted disgusted as I thought I didn’t like him. To say the least, I thought I liked none of the boys. As I was just too focused on studying for my semesters.
The first time I saw him differently still makes me feel warm. One time, during a challenging practical, I had done a grave mistake. I was feeling terrified of being observed by the professor as well as being berated. He noticed that and aided me while I fixed my mistake. As much as I was grateful, I never had the chance to tell him a ‘thank you’.
“And you are always asking me to say thank you when you didn’t even-“
“Shh, just listen to the story, dear”
The following few days, on the context of telling him that thank you, I kept noticing him, everywhere. I noticed how he always ate at the same café, sitting alone lost in thought. I noticed his expression while he was working. I noticed when he looked sad or confused or happy. I noticed that he always had a way of helping people. I noticed he spoke politely to everyone except his friends. I noticed how he sang painfully off-key. I noticed that he was tall. No matter what, I couldn’t stop noticing him. One of my friends knew him personally and whenever she talked about him, I was interested. I was interested in any topic that involved him. That was when I realized, I liked him.
The next thing I knew, I was asking your grandma about love. Since she had an arranged marriage she knew nothing about love, but your grandma does offer great advice. I asked about it to my friends who had no idea either and dismissed the whole topic. Yet, I really wanted to confess to him. I really did.
One day, I learned from one of his friends that he liked someone else. I was heartbroken. I decided to move on.
“Noooo-“
“Now, don’t be dramatic, dear. It’s not the end of the story.”
Although I was determined to move on, I never stopped noticing him and secretly helping him. When I told my friends, they laughed at me and stated that I had bad taste. I didn’t care though; it was me who liked him. One year passed by like that. I was never his friend, but a secret admirer. As time passed, I realized that I loved him. I didn’t want to live my life in regret of never telling him what I really felt. I made a plan to tell him, even if he was not interested in me, even if he didn’t like me, even though he sang in a way that made my ears bleed. I was willing to hear it and I was willing to see him smile all my life. And you know, his smile is literally so pretty, so beautiful and so handsome. He always looked good with a smile on his face; I would give any kind of money to see him smile. His smile is-
“Mom, off-topic. Did you tell him or not?”
“You really have no patience, dear”
I decided it was best to tell him after I found a place where he would be alone. I knew a cafe where he went alone.one day, I went there as well. I walked over to his usual table, my heart racing. He was surprised to see me but he behaved politely as usual. He was looking at me expectantly as I hesitated to talk. However since I was halfway there, i did tell him. He rejected me.
“That’s too sad, mom. I feel so sorry for you.
I wish you two ended up together”
“We did though”
“What?”
“HE is your father, dear”
By V. M. Amudha Yazhini
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