By Jeeva Jijo
I told myself, more than enough times.
I’m done with writing poems about you.
But then again, you are making me a liar,
You make me feel like a hypocrite, more-
Damage to my brain, even after you left.
I still don’t know if-
You still think of me, if-
I still matter to you, at least-
As a human being, it is-
Okay if not like,
A part which was yours,
I don’t know if-
I’m still a human to you.
But you still do, you’re-
Not one I still love, true-
But I can’t pretend like-
You never existed, when I-
Pass you by, when I-
Hear your name, when I-
See you there, you are-
More than a mere human to me.
Again, I blame everything but me.
Why do I keep calling your name, why-
Can’t my heart just stay still, I know-
I’m being arrogant to myself, how can’t I?
I see you everywhere, but near.
I can’t blame you wholly, it’s true-
We left each other, we both did.
I will find more excuses, and more-
Situations to blame, but me, I will do it.
Knew it won’t be any easy, but-
This was the least I could do for myself.
I was always the victim, but you-
You, feigned impuissance, I was-
Also the inferior one, you-
So higher, though near, never mine.
Am I hurting? I know you won’t-
Bother even to look at me, but-
If you ask me, even once, I’ll say-
I am not aware. I won’t know.
I think I’m not.
The several lines I’m writing of you-
The pages you turns and shows to your-
Loved ones, so proud that I wrote about you,
And making me a fool out of myself, and my words.
You will do it again, even if no one else saw-
You will see it, and will know it-
Who you are, I wrote down on my paper, and-
You will show it to your loved ones-
Like it’s a thing to be proud about-
How you burned the bridge between us.
But you can see it too, there-
Is no pain in my words unlike the last time-
No trace of sorrow in my lines-
You sincerely make my heart ache-
Or beat no longer.
Even if I try not be self-centred, I-
Fail happily, this time, I don’t-
Regret the love I gave you, you-
Won’t hurt me, regardless how far you are.
Sometimes I wonder, you-
Might think of me too, that-
I broke you into pieces and-
Threw you to the lakes, I-
Hope you remember that-
It was you, who let go off my hand-
Every time, every single time, and-
Finally it was me, who dared not to-
Go back to you, crawling through the mud.
When you pushed aside my tears-
You never thought that they’d-
Backfire as dark and shadowed ink,
As sharp and piercing signs.
Never have I ever knew, that-
You were meant to be a lesson,
Nothing more, nothing less.
A lesson, I can write about.
I will write of you again, if I am to-
But you never bring pain anymore-
You never manifest shame anymore-
You were meant to be a lesson, everything-
Around me resembles you and the memories-
You were afraid to give me, you are not the-
Definition of heartbreak any longer.
You are just a mere human to me, a-
Lesson I have learned for me.
By Jeeva Jijo
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