By Aastha Nagi
And there she was, a feeling i thought i had forgotten, there she was like a screen with your favourite childhood memories asking you to jump back in, there she was, like my imaginary friend coming to life, there she was, like magic.
There she was, walking in that day, like she was born just to meet me. And i did not tell the stars about her, i told god. I told him thank you for letting me know she existed but what i really meant was thank you for letting her exist. I dont know who died so she could be born but i do know who would die if she had not been born.
And she does not know, that i talked to the moon, like it was her, and she does not know that she is so loved. And she does not know if water flows from her black decorated eyes i would let it drown me till it consumes me and abandons her. And she does not know that i can breathe now, because i know she is there, because i know she exists.
And i do not know her, i do not know where she comes from but i do know where she will go to, because i will make sure, i will bleed to god and tell him to not make her bleed, i will tell him to take her from me if that is what it took for her to take existence. I do not know her. I do not know her nightmares and i do not know her ghosts but i know that when she left her body in her last life, i left mine too, but i did not leave her, even when i left them all, even when in that life i left my only possession; my body, i did not leave her. And even then i loved her with my soul. And so when i did lose my mind and my body, i did not lose her. And i remember her and i do not know her. But i recognize her. My soul recognizes her.
And she does not remember me. But i dont need her to. I never needed my imaginary friends to call me by my name, i just wanted them to be there, to exist, to give the child in my evidence that she was not alone and that when all the beasts outside hurt her, she would still have her gardens and her friends in her mind who could see what she could see and who could feel what she could feel. I just needed them to exist. I just need her to exist and i can find comfort in this air. Because i am under a sky and she is under the same one. Because she is not looking at me but i have never felt so seen.
Because if she was there, and she existed, in her own little world, living her own little life, doing her own laundry, i could exist too. I could live too. All i needed was for her to exist. In her existence i found comfort, and only god knew the holiness of her touch that he did not consider me lucky enough to feel. But i could never be mad at god again, i could never be angry at god again, she took away that freedom, all i could so when i saw god now was cry. Because if i told him thank you it would have been too small, too small for the big god that created her. Too small for the god whos hands moved and fingered fluttered so she could have the eyes that she has the soul that she has. I could never be angry at god now, he had blessed her on me, he had dismissed my sins that i would continue to do and he had given me her. And i knew as a committed my sins, he would take her away from me, but he would never take her away from the world because he knew the lengths of my sins now. And i could never be angry at god now, even if he took her away from me. He had created her. She was real and she was magic and i had her. I could never be angry at god aga
She existed and she was life.
All my life i had run, from the wolves and then with the wolves, and even if i had encountered god, i would have run, for to run was what i did. But she could hold my finger or even try to and i would cut off my feet.
By Aastha Nagi
Comments