By Diya Dilip
Life these days feels like an out of body experience. It feels like I am experiencing
everything that’s happening to me through someone else’s eyes. It’s like I am stuck in a loop
I cannot get out of no matter how hard I try to break free. Waking up in the morning makes
me feel more tired than ever. The idea of facing a new day exhausts me. I feel like a thought.
A side character in someone else’s story. I feel like I have lived a long life even though all
I’ve done is exist these past eighteen years. I try to live for the future when I hope
everything will get better, where there will be actual happiness and a life I love. It seems so
close yet so far and out of my reach. I lament about the monotony of my life but do nothing
to change it all the same. I think I find comfort in my routine and that prevents me from
breaking free of it. Change scares me and it feels like this past year all that has happened is
change and all that is going to happen in the coming days is change. The fact that my future is
something that only I have control of makes me anxious. I am aware it sounds banal that an
eighteen-year-old is afraid of the future, but it does not make me fear it any less knowing
that there are others going through exactly what I’m feeling. I want to hold onto whatever
childhood I have left, to not have to bear responsibilities for a little while longer, but at the
same time I also want to be in -charge of my life, to do what I please and to be what I believe
is an adult. I’m excited, nervous, and uncertain of what is to happen all at the same time. The
lines get blurry sometimes, between what is and what I want it to be. The one who doesn’t
live, dreams. I constantly find myself wanting a certain life that seems entirely fictitious, yet
others seem to have it. My parents telling me to get my life together or I will be left behind
while everybody else achieves great things is like an audio playing on repeat in the
background of my life. I am the only obstacle in my path and that is what is the hardest to
overcome. I want to be my escape but for that I would have to escape from this version of
myself. I spend every day in an emotional rut. I become better to be even worse later. The
twelve-year-old version of me would probably be surprised with what kind of a person I have
evolved into. I think in a way the younger me was more self-assured and aware. The older me
retreats into her bubble of comfort and blocks out the real world whenever the going gets
tough. I am afraid of stepping out into a new world and at the same time I don’t want to be
stuck in a retrograde. The new world is callous and while I have taken advantage of the
benefits of the bright new world, there are moments where I am unshielded from the
harshness of it’ s brightness which makes me want to cower in the dark corners. Yet the fact
that it’s so close, but it’s possibilities mostly hidden from me, makes it seem exciting. There
is fear, uncertainty and many tears that lie ahead, but there’s a certain sweetness to it as I look
at the future through rose tinted glasses. I want to stop time but at the same time I want to fast
forward to the part where I have figured out the most part of my life. Everybody’s living a
fast life, and I want to join them in doing so predominantly because I don’t want to be left
behind and because I want to move past this stage of my life. Nonetheless, I also want to take
it slow, savour these moments of my life that I will never get back and create memories I can
look back upon fondly. I feel like I am explorative, adventurous, cautious, and wary all
simultaneously. Wanting to grow up but also wanting to hold onto the safety of being a child
is a dilemma I will never be able to resolve. I don’t know when I transitioned into a young
adult and stopped being a little kid. I’ve come to realise that after I've phased out a certain
period in my life, I tend to apprehend how joyous it was. I’ve been living in the past and it’s a
cycle I have been trying to end. I seek comfort in the past and find solace in familiarity. The
unpredictability of emotions and the validity of it is confusing to me. Something I have
realised is that emotions can be felt instantly and be validated overtime. So, when one feels a
certain way, it’s okay to take time to validate it because rushing things implies forcing them
to come out a certain way, and forced things never end well. You could be sorrowful and
jovial, apprehensive, and assertive all at once. My fears exist to protect me for a fleeting
moment before I get thrown into the deep end. Curling up in my darkened room can only
postpone the inevitable temporarily. Soon enough, I’ll have to open the blinds and face the
light. Or I'll be the only one left in the darkness. I seek comfort in my melancholy until I can
find permanence in my happiness.
Growing up is perplexing when the one to blame for all the slipups is the one in the mirror.
But what matters is that it never remains the same. What is today, might not be tomorrow.
We are the whited sepulchres to our past and future selves. But it is natural to be hesitant, in a
world where we get more comfortable everyday not feeling discomfort as often, at one point
we get too comfortable to get uncomfortable.
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By Diya Dilip
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