By Esha Jaisingh
The lingering aroma of buttery popcorn in the air did nothing to douse the serpent breathing fire in Mia’s heart. Mia pushed her seat back in an almost empty theater and looked straight at the ceiling, counting the thunderous beats against her chest. The movie began with a gentle tone promising a happy ending. Family drama with sweet romance. It was originally released a decade ago and Mia had already seen it a bunch of times. A good fictional movie for a good cry, which was all Mia seemed to do these days, when she wasn't staring off into space.
Her breath hitched as she struggled to hold her concentration on the distraction she chose for today. As the movie progressed, her sanity regressed. Suddenly there was a loud thud at the front rows in the theater. The few people present there moved their attention towards the commotion. An old man writhing on the ground, white bubbles oozing out of his mouth as his eyes rolled up his head. Mia stumbled along with the crowd towards the front rows.
Her breathing got heavier with every hurried step forward. She infiltrated her way through the tight circle whispering among themselves, silent spectators to the dreadful event transpiring in front of their eyes. The sight that met her was a whole new hell. Panic flared within her as the familiar blue eyes bulged out of his eye sockets. Her shivering hands finally getting hold of her phone failed to contact for help before a familiar face in a white coat beside her did it. The crowd was being guided out by the staff as they waited for the ambulance. On her way out, clenching her fists, Mia turned around to have one final look at the result of a domino effect that she started
on that awful day. Tears ran down her face as the man’s body went limp and Mia had another name on her list of failures and more blood on her hands.
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Mia woke up with a start, her collar drenched in her sweat. The air conditioned theater did nothing to cool the nightmares stroking the embers in her consciousness. The movie was yet to start and the lights were still on. Springing up from her chair, Mia’s eyes roved around the theater. The similarity of it all baffled her until she lost all sense as her eyes glazed over David. Alive and breathing in the front row. Mia was not a superstitious person but the last year had made her desperate and foolish enough to believe anything. Now was not the time for her to question her dream as a sign of premonition.
She rushed towards him and took a seat on his right, exhaling a sigh. But the hard part was yet to start. As the movie picked up its pace, she gathered her own courage to do the right thing. The couple in the film shared a kiss in the lavender fields and Mia could somehow inhale its soothing scent, calming her nerves.
She veiled the tension on her face as best as she could. Without a plan she began, “Hello…Uh, I'm Mia.”
David was hunched forward in his seat, unaware of his body rocking front and back. He didn't spare her a glance, lost in his own mind.
“Good movie right? No matter how many times you see it, you don't get bored.” She tried again.
“I'm sorry but I'd prefer if – I just” David began, but gave up mid way as though the very act of talking was taxing.
He stood up to leave when Mia called out, “Please, Mr. Brickman, wait. I know. I knew him…Thomas.”
The name seemed to hit David like a physical blow, his knees giving away, he slumped on the floor. Mia was instantly beside him, helping him up, but to no avail. David's phone slipped out of his pocket as it buzzed a notification. Mia couldn't get her eyes off the wallpaper on the screen. Two boys. Two people she failed.
“How do you know? Who…who are you?” David's face contorted in painful confusion. His mind racing as his mouth couldn't keep up, “My poor boy…my son.” He held his chest as though his heart was bleeding out, trying to keep it intact. The water in his eyes made his vision unfocused, his words tumbling out, “I did this to him, my own child. I should have understood. It..it was just an accident.” He informed her terribly. “But instead…I killed him, my child!” His sobs were uncontrollable as his shoulders shook with every outlet.
Mia was paralyzed to her spot, unable to confess no matter how much she wanted to. She could feel the noose of guilt tight around her neck. Every word spoken out, tightening it more. “No, please,” she begged, “it wasn't your fault, it was…” my fault. The voice in her head shrieked at
that thought, the revelation she had locked away for a year now in the webbed depths of her subconscious, threatening to escape into the light. The corked bottle inside her had been shaken too fast and its contents would now shoot out, splashing her mind's eye with visions tainting her self image.
“Then whose fault was it? If not mine then WHO?” David yelled at her face. His voice echoing in the cavernous theater, drawing glances from the few scattered audience members. “Tell me!” He demanded, his eyes suddenly focused. His shout fracturing the tension in the air, a crack that reverberated through Mia’s mind. She flinched as she realised , the crowd had slowly gathered around them this time. Her brain failing to capture their faces, their looks of contempt? Disgust? She couldn't tell. The dread cursing through her nerves made her scuttle back on the floor, away from the raging man. Clinging on to the legs of the seats she saw with her eyes wide as the grieving father took his final breath with anger and hate in his eyes directed at her. The world seemed to tilt and Mia lost her footing as she tried to clumsily stand up. Waking up with a start, in her seat and her collar drenched with her sweat.
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A million questions raced through Mia’s head. Each more absurd than the previous, but nothing compared to the reality that was breaking her mind. The chilly air against her moist skin raised the hairs on her arms. She gripped the arms of the recliner seat and stood up with conviction, slowly making her way towards David. The bright lights on the ceiling seemed to blur her surroundings as her sight faintly zeroed in on him.
Was this her chance at redemption? To right a wrong. But she knew she could never fix her past. Perhaps a final rope of hope thrown at her out of pity, to pay her dues, that she would be paying for the rest of her life.
Taking her seat on the left of David, she dove straight into it. “Your son, he seeked me out for help.”
David whipped his head towards her, “What did you say?”
“I was his therapist…after the incident.” She gulped, the ends of her red top bunched into her fists. “I'm sorry.” Her voice broke as the knot in her throat grew bigger and heavier. “I failed him, and I will never…” she sniffed, willing herself to finish her admission, “I will never be forgiven for that.” She also failed at her job. Terribly. After what she did, she could never be a therapist again. She wouldn't be allowed, and she wouldn't be able to trust herself capable of it either.
David blinked too fast, the sting in his eyes bringing out water. “Are you Mia?
David knew her? But how could he know? More importantly, how much does he know? Mia’s palms were clamy against the armrest, the theater was closing in around her, as her mind replayed scenes of that night in a flash. She could still hear the shower of broken glass pouring around them, their hands squeezed together.
David's loud sniff broke her out of her trance. His face fell in defeat. He scrunched his eyes and shook his head in denial as he recounted, “He told me. How you were helping him. But I –” he lifted his face up and the pain in his eyes made her heart ache. “I was drowning in my own misery over the loss of my first son that I didn't even stop to consider how that might have affected him. The crash was not his fault, but my inefficiency to understand my own son's pain? Yes, that is my sin.” The man seemed too numb to heave sobs, the tears didn't stop flowing though. “I can never take back the words I threw at a grieving boy who blamed himself for his brother's death. And so, my punishment is to live the rest of my life, with nothing but the memories of my two young sons. They had so much more to do, so much more to live for,” the hollow laugh that escaped him, cracked something within her. “Instead an old man like myself, gets to live his waste of a life until the end.”
“You must live. Your sons wouldn't want you to die because of them.” Mia couldn't understand the new rise of panic within her. The man was talking to her this time, she could help him, then why was the pit in her stomach getting deeper. “Death is not freedom from pain. It's the cause of more pain, for the people you leave behind, people who would do anything to help you avoid making this decision. So please. Please.”
“I can still see them, you know?” His face broke into the most pitiful smile as his eyes looked somewhere far away, into his memories. “The way they would get all muddied up in our backyard as kids. Always fighting about the silliest things.” He huffed out a laugh. “But oh, if anyone else tries to get one over on them, they would turn into a tightly knit fortress, standing strong against any outside attack.”
Mia wanted to comfort him, perhaps offer her condolences, say a few polite words, but before she could figure out what she could possibly say to console this mourning man, the most horrifying thing happened.
Blood spilled all over the floor. Bleeding from his eyes, nose and mouth pooling around them. This time the crowd didn't form a circle around them, but kept watching the film with a blank expression. Except for one, the guy in the white coat in the far corner, on the opposite side, seemed to look very concerned, not for the bleeding man but for Mia. However his face had more than just worry etched into it, he seemed to be urging her to do something, to go on. She didn't know what though. The sweet couple got their happy ending as Mia’s world shattered into pieces, the shards of reality disintegrating and scattering across the galaxy into void. Time seemed to bend as she was being pulled into a vortex, transferring her back to the worst moments of her life.
Her surroundings morphed into a blue of trees and snow and white as a pair of blinding light hit her eyes. The argument she was having forgotten midway, as the loud horn blaring in her ears heightened her attention. She heard Jake scream as she sharply steered her car left and it skidded in the snowy road, zooming in circles. The blinding lights from the car coming towards them got closer, too late for all of them despite the forceful push on the brakes. As the car spiraled out of control she felt her body being rattled around like a twig on a tree withstanding a storm. Jake held on to her, his eyes wide in terror, bracing for the collision. Time stretched in that fleeting moment, as the events unfolded at a crawl. The world outside became a blur of color and sound,
a cacophony of shattering glass and metal twisting like a grotesque dance. Their breaths came in short gasps, fear clawing at their throats as they braced for the violent jolt, each second heavy with the weight of impending doom, their lives teetering on the edge of catastrophe.The impact of the crash was majorly endured by Jake as they struggled to withstand the momentum of the car. Her entire body quivering, she tried to shake him out of his state of unconsciousness, but injured and stuck in her own seat, all Mia managed to do was sit still as the shock settled and she lapsed into herself until help arrived.
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A white room. White couch. A guy seated across from her in a white coat. Mia saw him as she slowly lifted her heavy lid, prying her eyes open.
“Are you okay?” He handed her a glass of water.
“Where is Jake?” She sat up, her head bursting with pain.
The man had a concerned look on his face which only frustrated Mia, “Alright, I need you to calm down Mia.”
“I am calm! Where is Jake?!” without drinking a sip, she placed the glass down with shaky hands next to a lit lavender scented candle.
“Do you know who I am?” She finally looked at the man for more than two seconds, focusing on his face and his features, she realised she did know him.
“No.” The lie came out quickly, easily and unbelievably convincing.
But the man wouldn't have it, “You were doing so great Mia, but I think you pushed too far and lost consciousness.” The gentleness in his voice made her want to weep. Forming cracks in her facade. “I know you know me. Please don't shut me out. We have made so much progress.” He insisted.
The tighter she tried to hold on to the illusion she had crafted, the quicker it slipped out of her hands. A flit of emotions traveled through her, dread, denial, panic, rage and the inevitable acceptance that was ripping her mind into tiny flecks of pain. Each splinter deserved. Each fragment pelting her heart, burying it with the weight of a thousand stones.
“I know this is hard–”
“You don't know anything.” her voice raised, her anger misdirected. “Why are you doing this? Please stop. Just STOP.” Her nails sunk into the couch as her breaths came fast and short.
“Talk to me.” Her therapist said patiently. “Where did you go just now?”
“You don't understand.” Mia started, pushing down her sobs, “I never told them. Either of them. I was the one driving. Jake and I were going to his house, I was going to meet his family that Christmas. It wasn't Thomas's fault. My car crashed into his. His survivor's guilt was mine to bear, not his. While his brother, my Jake…” her voice cracked, “was with me in the car.”
“The crash wasn't your fault either, Mia.”
“But me being his therapist and helping him through a situation which I caused in the first place was definitely my fault.” She glared at him. “I killed a whole family.” She whispered, too afraid to say a statement like that out loud. Jake. Thomas. David.
Her whole life had turned upside down within a span of a second. What went wrong? As pointless as it all felt, Mia had lived every second of that day a million times in the past year. What could she have done differently? Avoided the argument she doesn't even remember about? Maybe chosen another day to meet Jake's family? Or perhaps she should have never even met him and they would all be well and happy in their lives. She knew these thoughts served no purpose now other than torturing her. Yet she couldn't let go of them. Couldn't move on. Every day submerging into her denial more and more until she had created a delusion of normalcy. When her mind started ignoring, her body started paying. As much as she refused to admit, a part of her that still remembered about her old job knew she had to do this. One incident had already killed three people. There just couldn't be more. So she would go again tomorrow. Meet her therapist and do the work. Until she could breathe freely again.
Mia collected herself and her things, making her way out of his office. Thanking him would never suffice. Grief could do unbelievable things to a person, play tricks on one's mind, create hallucinations and develop illusions. Mia had reached a point where she couldn't trust her reality. Couldn't tell it apart from her delusions. It's only then that she decided to put her trust in someone else. Ryan, a well proclaimed therapist who extended his hand towards her at David's funeral. Being in the same field he already knew of her and convinced her to seek help. It was almost pitiful, the speed with which Mia desperately grabbed his literal and metaphorical helping hand. And she hasn't let go of it since. He provided her the sense of stability and comfort she so desperately needed.
As she exited the door, a woman in her late thirties poked her head in, “Dr. Brickman, your 3 o'clock has been canceled for today. So if you wanna, you can leave for the day.” She gave Mia a small smile and went back to her desk.
“Well Mia, if you don't mind, I could drop you. Your home falls on my way.”
Mia didn't give any weight to the alarm bells briefly ringing in her head. The foreboding in her gut. Perhaps it was just the after effects of one of her hardest sessions. She wrapped her coat tightly around herself and clung to it as she left with Ryan, reassuring herself of her safety.
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By Esha Jaisingh
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