By Zoya Ghoshal
“I think
You deserve an apology
For the way
I’ve stolen things
That were always meant
To be yours
That were always meant
To make you happy
Our lives
Have always irrevocably
Been intertwined
I couldn’t help but notice
That the things you had
Were always the things
I wanted
The things
I thought I needed
I never was good at hiding
These dark emotions of mine
The thoughts
Of taking away
Everything that was meant
To be solely yours
For myself
The thoughts
Of leaving you miserable
Just because
You had the things
I could never have
Despite you realising
I felt this way for you
There was never a time
When you
Treated me less than yourself
Despite you
Having every right to
Even when I slowly
Stole away
What was yours
You always smiled at me
The same way you did
When you first met me
The same way you did
When you knew nothing about me
You deserve an apology
For the way I treated you
And I deserve
Not a thing in this world.”
“I think
You deserve an apology
For the way
I’ve disappointed you
For the way
I’ve broken your trust
Time and time again
You see,
It’s never been intentional
But somehow,
It’s always something
I manage to do
You have always confided in me
About the most important aspects
Of your life
It befuddled me
How you could always be so strong
Despite the things
You grew up experiencing
Things no human
Should ever have to go through
In their lives
Your pain
Should’ve given you a reason
To hate the world
But despite that
You never did
I guess I was brought into your life
As another way
To give you more pain
As another test
From the one above
To make sure
You really were as strong
As you made yourself out to be
I have never once
Been someone you could rely on
And despite that
You made me feel
Bigger than I ever was
You made me feel responsible for things
No one would’ve ever before
Unfortunately
You were wrong to do that
And no matter how many times
I managed to let you down
You came back with an,
‘It’s okay’
Trusting me with things
You shouldn’t trust me with
All over again
You deserve an apology
For all the suffering
This world
Has offered you
And I deserve
To experience it instead.”
“I think
You deserve an apology
For the way
I couldn’t uphold
My promise to protect you
For the rest of my life
For the way
I became an absence
That you could never truly
Erase
You see,
I was someone
No one ever expected
To be responsible
For anything
My own family
Treated me
Like I was someone
Who would never
Be able to hold their own
Treated me
Like I would cruise through life
Without ever knowing
What it was like
To truly be important
To someone
And I lived the way
I was always expected to
Until you came along
The very first day
I held your small hands in mine
I knew that my whole life
Was nothing but a long wait
For you
I swore on my life
That I would shield you
From anything or anyone
That would make you sad
That I would finally prove
To anyone that ever doubted me
That I was someone
Who could truly be
The center of someone’s world
Unfortunately
The things that people
Ingrained into my head
Caught up to me
I started to doubt myself
Started to doubt
Whether I was truly worthy
Of being responsible
For someone’s whole life
The way I was for yours
I did the one thing
I should’ve never done
I left you
To deal with this cruel world
By yourself
I left you
Alone
I guess the things
That people always said to me
Were true all along
I never was able to prove them wrong,
Was I?
You grew up just fine
Even without me
You learned things
I never had the chance
To teach you
You stood up on your own
Two feet
Taking everything on in a way
I never could
While I continued to wither away
Being the same as I always was
Regretting the same things
I always did
Wishing I had chosen
To stay with you instead
You deserve an apology
For having to grow up
In a way you never should have
And I deserve
To fade away from existence
As the same person I always was
A failure.”
“I think
You deserve an apology
For the way
I took your love
For granted
When we met
It felt like
The only one in my world
Was you
When I saw you for the first time
It felt like
All the noise
Faded away
My mind blurred
My vision was suddenly
Clearer than it had ever been
The only thing that I could focus on
Was you
My love for you
Was strong
Crushing
Devastating
It drove me insane
To the point where
It felt like
If you weren’t mine
I wouldn’t be able to go on
With the rest of my life
As the years went by
And as your love for me
Grew stronger
With every passing day
I felt my mind
Start to clear up
In a way
It never was with you
It felt like my vision
Suddenly started to
Focus on everything around you
But you
You tried everything
Everything possible
To salvage
What we had left
But somehow
My feelings had
Fizzled out
Leaving only you
Pining
Pleading
Begging
For my attention
For anything
I could give to you
At first
It gave me a sense of power
To see you
In the same position
I once was in
It sometimes even brought forth
A sense of morbid
Disgust
To see you grovelling
It felt like
The person you once were
Was nowhere to be found
You were a shell of who
You used to be
And somehow
I was never able to realise
That the fault
Was all mine
I ended up making
The worst mistake of my life
I sought what I once had with you
With someone else
It somehow
Never occurred to me
That I never told you
For fear of losing you
For fear
Of losing the importance
You always gave me
For fear
Of losing the love
I would never deserve
From anyone else
The day you found out
The day I gave you more pain
Than I had ever given you before
The day I saw you look at me
Like
You didn’t even recognise me anymore
I felt my heart hurt
My body seize
With a cold so horrific
I could feel it coursing through
My veins
My eyes burned
With tears I hadn’t shed
In a long, long time
Tears
That you didn’t bother
To stop anymore
The day I realised
I still loved you
Was the day you left me
Was the day
You finally decided
That I wasn’t worth loving any longer
That what we had
Was impossible to save
You deserve an apology
For the way
I never gave you everything
I always promised you
I’d give
For the way
I wasted all
That you had given me
And I deserve
To never feel the things
I had felt with you
Ever again.”
“I think
You deserve an apology
For the way
I broke pieces of you
You never deserved
To have broken
You were someone
Who had never felt
The absence of love
In your life
You had never once felt
What it was like
To struggle
To desperately want
For something
And to still not get it
I, on the other hand,
Was someone
The world had never
Been kind to
Everything I had in my life
Was grabbed
Was clawed
Was taken
I had to work so hard
To get most things
Because even the things
I ought to deserve
Were always so difficult
To get my hands on
And then came you
For the first time
In my life
I didn’t have to struggle
Getting you
Was one of the easiest things
I had ever done
Masking my emotions
And playing with yours
Like I would a puppet’s
Felt like something
That gave me joy
Until it didn’t
Until every time I saw you
It felt like
My heart was caught
In my throat
It felt like
Everything I had ever done
So far in my life
Was wrong
It felt like
The biggest crime
I had ever committed
Was taking your heart
And treating it
Like something
That wasn’t more valuable
Than I could ever be
You deserve an apology
For the way I left you scarred
In a way
The world never did to me
And I deserve
To always feel the way I did
When I lost you.”
By Zoya Ghoshal
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