By Adithi Vijaya Kumar
How do you ever let go of a love that merely passed you by? An empty chance, a false possibility and a gamble you never risked. When love knocked at my door, no one was home. A long-lost yearning of many memories ago that made my heart blush now served as the reminder of a fault. So, when I talk about love, I speak of a wound.
It was a breezy afternoon; leaves were humming with the soon-approaching autumn wind and the warm months were drawing to an end. I couldn’t help it. I enjoyed as I became a victim of my obsession. Helplessly enamored at every stolen glance; each little peek would make my heart sing with a reckless passion. An insatiable hunger for another moment, another chance to be seen through his eyes and another second of company would leave me exhilarated. I’d seek out the things he loved, and learn to love them as well, trying to mold myself into something he’d love.
There’s something very gentle about opening your heart to someone, praying they’d love it for all its foolishness. I could hardly starve the hope, already burning holes in my belly, from living the reality it had always dreamed of. Every calculated conversation was carving itself into actuality. With the yellowing of once-green twigs in late fall, I was a renewed being, loving and feeling beyond my power. It was better than any love story I’d read because it was a love that I could call my own, not just watch in movies, admire in couples and wish from a well. I had created an entity which added another dimension into my life, an adventure, a rollercoaster and an unpredictable obsession which made everything else in my life seem insignificant.
As desperate desires delved into a deeper devotion, I found my place as a confident lover, parading through streets, honing every cut as a proud scar. The invincibility of being loved by choice made me feel worthy. It was an earned affection perfected with controlled yearning. Being actively wanted in someone else’s life was the greatest compliment imaginable. Maybe loving wasn’t letting go of the one you love, but yourself, by finally yielding to the flow of life with complete trust in other forces of the universe.
If a certain love swept me off my feet, I was bound to end up on the ground. It didn’t take much to tear apart the fantasy of my dreams. A slow distance and casual detachment left behind charred ashes of a burnt-out longing. I had only loved him in my mind, as a product of my bottled-up desire. He was a momentary addition to my life meant to make me feel capable of having, if not keeping, a somewhat sincere yet fleeting adoration. Loving him bared my soul to the inevitability of heartbreak. The forgotten fondness of an once blossoming passion may haunt me, but such is the fate of a fickle heart, quick escapes and long silences.
By Adithi Vijaya Kumar
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