A Carefree and Easy-Going Girl

By Vikas Yadav

Being the elder son in the family I have been brought up with so much responsibility. I was always told to behave in a manner that impresses others and is acceptable to them because my younger brother will see and learn from my behaviour. My mother had two daughters in the 90s and because of the preference in the society to have a male child every time she had to face filthy statements from the society. Seeing other male kids being preferred over her daughters by everyone in the family, my mother felt the worst. So when I was born she was the happiest and naturally attached so much expectations with me. 

My parents raised me not like a child but like their favourite dream. I was told to me more cautious of what others will think of me and my parents behind every behaviour of mine. I do not complain today but as days passed this fear of being judged and the fear of bringing a bad name to my parents made me submissive. Instead of believing my instincts I questioned the consequences of every action and this habit stopped me from doing what I wanted to do at various stages of life. This fear stopped me from being relaxed, carefree and an easy-going personality so I looked for people who had such personality and be a friend with them because I wanted to be as fun as them, as relaxed as them and not take everything too serious in life.

Years after when I came to college I struggled to find people with the personality I liked. Maybe it was my first experience of being away from home so my homesickness was not allowing me to accept outsiders. But as months passed by I became friends with some but couldn't find the personality that used to attract me. It was not that I was not happy with myself and my friends but it was just that I always felt some emptiness within me at the place.

Later one day I went to meet my friend at the college ground who was doing some drills and there I saw a girl doing the same drills. I didn't know much about her except that she was my classmate and her name was Anmol but I rarely noticed her in the class. I sat on the stairs for a while, looked at her while she was doing those drills and left the place as my friend came. I didn't think too much about her after that but I couldn't help myself forget the image of her doing those drills. Later I also saw her practising archery in the college ground and again found an attracting confidence in her face. I still don't know why, but her confidence during those drills and archery practice fascinated me. That was the moment I wanted to know her more but I couldn't approach her. 

Later she became a friend to some of my friends and became a part of my group but I didn't have the courage to talk to her. But one day while I was entering the class I saw her standing at the door, our eyes glazed and she greeted me with "Hii", I hesitantly responded to her but again we didn't talk. After sometime she became an important part of my friend circle and naturally I also made a bond with her without any efforts or say I couldn't make any efforts. But as time passed by I found her to be an easy-going and carefree person, a personality I always wanted to be and a personality I have mostly been friends with. By the time I came to know her we were already familiar to each other yet we weren't close friends but I was happy as I never expected to be anything more to her in those moments.

When I came into my second year of college, I got attached to a girl and after a year I also confessed my feelings to her but that story had a sad end. Being the first rejection of my life it was hard to go through it. After this tragic end of my story I became conscious of my emotions and didn't have courage to allow them to develop stronger for someone else. I became sad and isolated. It were my friends who kept me going and Anmol too helped my mood with her regular humour and fun talks but I couldn't share my vulnerabilities with her maybe I was afraid, afraid of getting attached again.

We as a group used to have regular banter, fun, unplanned hangouts and were also important helping hands to each other during exams. As time passed we developed our bond into a stronger friendship. Though Anmol was an important member of our group yet we didn't create many fond memories together, at times I think maybe because she had too many friends to spend time but I never complained as I also found her always happy and relaxed. We had spent a good time in college as a group yet I and Anmol as two individuals didn't create any memorable moments even after 1.5 years of knowing each other. But thankfully it was not going to be the same for long anymore, at the end of the second year our class organised a farewell party for our seniors and as I was going through a sad and hard phase of rejection, to do something exciting, I decided to do anchoring in that party. It happened to be so that Anmol was chosen as my partner. A destiny's conspiracy? Maybe yes. When we sat to prepare our script the first thing she said, "Let's start it with some fun", though I didn't want it that way but I couldn't refuse her as I thought that's what she is. We prepared our script and she wrote her moments of fun into it of which I was scared of but thought I could pull it off. But at the day I messed up, some because of the issue with the microphone and some because of my low pitched voice. Were we going to be so messed up together? Only time shall tell. 

Though our first assignment together didn't go as expected but with that assignment we developed a closer bond. As our friendship grew we started spending good time together. I always liked and appreciated her easy-going and carefree nature but at times I also questioned it when she used to call me at night before the exam to know the syllabus and important topics to prepare. Happily I obliged but I doubted and with doubt asked her "Will you be able to manage this?", with the same confidence as during her drills she replied "Yes, you don't worry". After all she's a carefree person.

At times my friends attached me with her because of our strong friendship but after my first bad experience I didn't have courage to develop my feelings for anyone. Also lately I came to know about a friend who already had feelings for her and I also found her comfortable around him so to avoid creating a mess I pulled myself back. It wasn't hard for me because I was happy to be a friend to her and never thought of becoming anything more.

Time passed, our college ended and we stayed good friends and our bond grew stronger specially during the last few days of our college. Maybe because as George Elliot says "Only in the agony of parting do we look into the depths of love".

Later we both got into different colleges for our masters but were still in touch. Once she went to the NCC camp, and we started talking to each other more than usual, giving each other more time than we used to do and I started enjoying talking to her. Our calls became a habit, our flirting became a good pastime and her roasting became a good fun to me. I liked her attention but I always questioned myself when I thought of the consequences. But once late in the night, she called and asked me "Do you like me?". At that moment all those hesitant and indecisive moments passed by which I was going through since past few days. But seeing her hesitation and indecisiveness I replied "No". But this time it was not because of lack of courage but because of a fear, a fear of losing her.

After this incident or maybe after I got used to her calls I started to develop feelings for her despite still carrying the pain of previous rejection. It was not that I always had such feelings for her but now they had developed stronger so this time I didn't suppress them. I tried several times in past to confess my feelings to her but I always found her happy and serene in our friendship so again I backed off with the fear of causing trouble into her life and ruining her peace.

I feel my story is nothing less than a Shakespeare's tragic drama. After years of indecisive thoughts and hesitation when I decided to meet her and when I gathered all the courage to confess my feelings to her, again my life went on a full turn and I came to know about my dearest friend who liked her and yet again because of that unreasonable old idea of ruining her peace I pulled myself back but this time with the promise of not confessing my feelings to her ever in future and just being a friend to her that she needs.

With time it became easier as I was still a good friend with her and didn't want to ruin our friendship but after some years a time came when I couldn't keep my promise and I confessed my feelings to her. I finally gathered the courage but I now question myself was it worth enough? That day I brought all the emotions out which I had kept buried inside me since years. There were a number of instances in the past when this ocean in my eyes and this tornado in my heart was about to burst out but now finally I had gathered the courage. The moment when I confessed my feelings to her we both became deadpan as if she never expected me to have those emotions and as if I never expected myself to let out my emotions to her. But there was absolute numbness for a moment. A numbness that filled me with all the questions which weren't easy for her to answer so I didn't ask. But there came a time when she had to depart. No matter how hard I wanted her to stop but that wasn't possible. I hugged her wanting to ask her to stay a little longer, wanting to tell her how peaceful her hugs are, wanting to tell her how her presence makes the tornadoes inside my heart disappear. But that wasn't what she wanted to listen, she had to go.

Despite having the strongest of bond I messed up, maybe it's because of my lack of courage or maybe it's because of my idealistic ideas of love that I have developed reading novels of Shakespeare, Jane Austen and more. At times I question myself what would had it been if I would have not been submissive since the very beginning? What would had it been if I would have said yes to her question that night? What would had it been if I would have confessed my feelings to her when I came to meet her? Or what had it been if I would have never confessed my feelings to her? Don't know will I get answers to all my queries or not? If yes, then will those answers not hurt me even more? Don't know. What I know is that I loved a carefree and easy-going girl but I couldn't be a carefree and easy-going person myself.

By Vikas Yadav